


Falling Into Place

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Adult Content, Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-20
Updated: 2012-04-20
Packaged: 2017-11-04 00:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/387521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Gerard's best friend dies in a car accident, it feels like the end of the world. To feel alive again, Gerard starts a passionate relationship with a boy he met a few months ago, even though he knows it will only lead to a disaster. Jealousy, guilt, memories and doubts drive them both crazy and Gerard knows this just can't end happily. Or can it...?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falling Into Place

There’s something very comforting about funerals. It probably sounds like a weird idea when it comes to your mind for the first time, but the more you think about it, the more sense it makes. 

At a funeral, you’re surrounded by people who practically feel the same way as you do. They’ve lost someone and even when you don’t really go and talk to them, you know you share the same feelings. It’s comfortable knowing that you’re not alone. Before the funeral and after the funeral, people will ask you how you are coping, how you are feeling, if you want to talk… But during the funeral, you’re allowed to cry. No one will ask you _why_. No one will try to stop you.

As Gerard sits there, on the cold, wooden bench, he lets himself cry, but he has to bite the inner side of his cheek so he doesn’t sob. His mom is squeezing his hand, but it just can’t be enough. The simple idea of the person that lies in the coffin breaks his heart into a million pieces, and every little piece into another million pieces. It just hurts too much.

He can’t believe Lindsey is gone. That he’ll never talk to her again, she will never hug him. He can’t believe this means no more sleepovers and also not a single person Gerard can trust. He’s lost. He’s so fucking lost. And not even pain or loneliness is as strong as this feeling. He has nowhere to go to. Can you even imagine what it’s like to lose your best friend? Shit, they were friends for almost twenty years. 

But that’s over now. Gerard is alone.

~

If Gerard’s learned anything in high school, it’s the art of disappearing. He always wanted to hide so no one would hurt him, and today, it comes in handy. Right after the funeral, he glances at the crowd and snorts. _They all wanna party when the funeral ends,_ he thinks to himself, making a disgusted grimace. It stings when he spots Frank in the crowd with the others.

Fucking Frank. Gerard met him when he was at an art exhibit with Lindsey a few months ago and he immediately became Lindsey’s friend. And also Gerard’s biggest crush. Lindsey used to say, _“Come on, boy, talk to him. He likes you.”_ But Gerard never believed in those words. They couldn’t be true.

Gerard sighs, running his fingers through his longish black hair and scratches his neck. No one’s noticed he’s not with them, of course. He turns around, avoiding looking at the coffin one more time, and starts walking away. Oh, it’s easy to walk away from a graveyard, but God, why isn’t it that easy to walk away from everything? Why couldn’t he just bury it all with Lindsey? All that grief, all that sadness; simply everything? 

The moment he walks out of the cemetery gates, he starts running. Breathing heavily and seeing red, he knows this is probably just a horrid panic attack, but he can’t stop. He runs all the way to his apartment and shuts the door behind him, falling down to the floor. No, he can’t do this. He just can’t. He buries his face in his hands, realizing they’re shaking badly, and closes his eyes, finally sobbing like a little child.

_“Hey, hey, come on. Don’t cry.”_

He can almost hear Lindsey saying this, adding some useless compliment here and there. She used to say this when he doubted himself or the things he’d tried to do. She would say this and then she would pull him into a hug. A tight, loving hug. And Gerard would say that she would make a great mother, because her hugs were the best and said more than any words could ever do. 

Too bad there’s no one to hug him right now. After a few minutes of choking on his own tears, he manages to get up. He still only makes it to his bed, where he covers himself in blankets. God, he just wants to fall asleep and never wake up again.

He’s almost there, trapped between a dream – or a nightmare, really – and the real world, when his phone rings. For a brief moment, he thinks it’s Lindsey and one of her crazy one a.m. calls where she’d ramble about everything and nothing. When he realizes that that isn’t possible, he rubs his eyes (which are burning from all that crying) and looks at the screen. ‘Mom’. 

If it was anyone else, he’d just shrug and hide from the world, but he can’t, so he picks it up with a small heart. Before he manages to say anything, his mom’s almost hysterical voice runs a spike right through his ear. 

“Where are you? Jesus, Sweetie, where are you?” 

“I’m… I went home right after the funeral. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t…” He sighs, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. “Funeral parties are disgusting.” 

He can hear a sigh very similar to his own, and her harsh voice is replaced with a shaky and relieved one. It sounds almost as if she was crying. Which she probably was. “God, I’m so happy you’re alright. When you disappeared, we thought you might have gone and done something stupid… Oh, baby. I’m so sorry.”

Yeah, that stings. It’s not like he hadn’t considered suicide as an option. But he could never leave his parents, Mikey or, to be honest, Frank. And on the other hand, suicide is what a coward would do. Gerard might be stupid and worthless and at times, depressed, but he refuses to think of himself as a coward. No way. But it still hurts him, when his mom says it out loud. It’s like, _Son, I know I’ve never mattered to you as much as Lyn did, but please, don’t go kill yourself, because I still love you very much._

“What does ‘we’ mean, Mom?” he asks instead, killing every other thought that’s running through his mind. As far as he knows, his father and Mikey stayed at home. Mikey is sick and Donna insisted someone had to look after him. 

“I’m here with Frank,” she answers quietly, her voice finally sort of stable. “We were worried about you. You know Frank, right? He said you’re friends.”

Gerard blinks a few times, propping himself on his elbows to some kind of a sitting position. “What?” he blurts out, before he mentally slaps himself for the hopeful sound of his voice. “I mean, yeah, of course I know him. Listen, Mom, I kinda just wanna go to sleep and forget about everything for a second. I’m fine, okay? I won’t do anything _stupid.”_ He doesn’t even wait for his mom to say something; he just hangs up and falls back down onto his pillows. 

When he closes his eyes this time, a picture of Frank appears behind his eyelids. For a moment, he really pushes Lindsey’s death out of his mind, and the only thing that’s in there is Frank. Frank Iero. With tattoos all over his arms and fingers and neck. That neck, oh, how much he would love to kiss Frank’s neck. Trace his lips along Frank’s jaw and continue down to the spot where he could feel Frank’s pulse right under his hot lips. Jesus Christ, why would someone like Frank worry about Gerard and his well-being? That’s just stupid.

~

Two weeks later and Gerard is still struggling to get out of his deepest-depression mode. He should be getting better. At least he believes he should be; or to put it correctly, that’s what others led him to believe. Every single person has asked him how he is feeling for two hundred times now and they seemed rather surprised when he answered with “Been better” in a very deep, raspy voice. ‘Cause obviously, he’s been smoking too many cigarettes and talking to basically no one.

He just doesn’t get it. Why do people expect him to get better so soon? It’s been only two weeks. Every memory of Lindsey he has is still too fresh. And the conversation with Lindsey’s father _(“Gerard? I’m… Fuck. What?” – talking to someone else – “No, that’s not necessary. No. Gerard, oh my god.” – now paying attention to Gerard again – “Lindsey, she – my little girl – a car accident… Jesus Christ, Gerard. I just… I thought you should know. Lindsey… She’s gone.” And then he hung up.)_ keeps haunting him in his sleep.

So when Mikey calls for the tenth time that day, Gerard kind of storms out. A part of him knows that Mikey doesn’t deserve this, but he can’t help it. Of course, Mikey’s first question is if Gerard is fine. 

“No, I’m not fucking fine, Mikey. My best friend just fucking died and nothing is fucking fine. Just leave me the fuck alone. All of you. For fucks sake, I’m fucking sick of you all.” And okay, that’s more than he’d said in the past three weeks. Even though he said “fuck” so many times. His mom would kill him if it was her who he was talking to. 

With that, he doesn’t even bother with hanging up, he just throws his phone in the direction of his closet and grabbing his hoodie, he runs out of the apartment almost as quickly as he ran into it after Lindsey’s funeral. 

His first idea is to get wasted. He craves a bottle of vodka; he almost feels like they would make a perfect couple. He even goes with this thought, heading to the nearest bar, but then – no. What’s the point in drinking? It never solves anything. It makes you forget for a while, but then when you’re sober, it hurts even more to face the reality. And Lindsey would slap him so hard for even trying this.

Gerard stops in the middle of the street, looking almost like a lost puppy. _If life is a highway, then mine leads to nowhere,_ he thinks to himself feeling his heart racing. What does one do when nothing makes sense anymore? What is he supposed to do? How is he supposed to go on like nothing happened? How could he? Why is everything so complicated? Why can’t he just fly away?

After some time, you must reach the point when you’re completely helpless and desperate. A lost puppy, when it reaches this point, just sits in the same place and waits for someone who would pick it up. Gerard follows this unwritten rule, sitting down on the curb. But who would pick him up when Lindsey is no longer there?

He pulls his knees as close to his chest as he can and rests his forehead on his thigh. 

Gerard gets lost for real; in his thoughts. It’s practically still the same, all the sadness gathering in his brain. He jumps and shrieks when he feels a hand on his back. It’s gentle and careful, but it still scares the shit out of him. He’s immediately getting up, ready to fight back if it was a robber attacking him, when his gaze falls upon Frank’s face.

So, is his heart beating so fast because he’s scared or is it because it’s _Frank_ standing right in front of him?

“Hey, Gerard. What are you doing here?” Frank asks curiously as if he hasn’t noticed that Gerard has been crying and sitting hopelessly _on the ground._ He must have looked crazy. 

“I was, um… I was on my way home?” Gerard answers, not sounding convincing at all. 

Frank smirks as if he knows he’s been lied to, but he doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he ducks his head and murmurs almost unintelligibly, “I was actually on my way to your place, too. I wanted to see you and just, talk to you.”

_Since when are we even friends?_ Gerard thinks panicking, as he gasps and tries to find an answer to that. What if Gerard’s mother knew about her son’s crush on Frank and decided to tell him everything at Lindsey’s funeral? Shit, but that’s not possible. He never told anyone but Lindsey. 

“I don’t know if that’s –“ Gerard starts off, trying to find an excuse as to why Frank can’t come see Gerard right now, even though they’d already met, when something else hits him. “Where did you get my address? I don’t think I ever gave it to you.”

Frank blushes and scratches the back of his neck. “Your Mom… kinda gave it to me? When… You know.” What does one say to that? Yeah, I know. You met my mom at my best friend’s funeral. And it’s really funny that she gave you my address, ‘cause believe it or not, I have the biggest crush on you. And I say ‘the biggest crush’ because I’m afraid to start talking about love, even if it’s only in my thoughts. “Can I at least walk you home?”

Gerard hesitantly nods and tearing his eyes from Frank’s beautiful face, he starts walking again. Frank joins in almost immediately, coughing silently as if he was trying to fight the awkward silence. He doesn’t succeed, though. Once or twice he asks Gerard a stupid question, and even though Gerard answers them, that’s the end of their conversation. 

They walk silently until they reach the building where Gerard lives. This time, it’s Gerard who clears his throat. He wants to do two things. A) He wants to kiss Frank so badly that his whole body hurts, b) he wants to punch Frank in the face for making it so complicated and so hard that his hands tickle. 

Instead, he says – even when it’s only because he doesn’t want to be rude and scare Frank away, “Do you wanna come up?”

His surprise is endless when Frank beams at him and nods quickly. “Yeah, I’d love that.”

~

“Were you, like, in love with her?” Frank asks after three hours of getting to know each other. Despite Gerard’s feelings towards Frank and despite the fact that he’d tried not to talk too much, even he must consider them friends now. Frank is just that type of person that gets under your skin with how cute and caring and honest he is.

Gerard almost spits out his coffee, because, _really?_ Frank couldn’t have asked a more ridiculous question. 

“No!” he acclaims, sounding almost offended. “Lyn was my best friend. She was like my sister. I could never… You know, it still hurts to talk about her in the past tense,” Gerard sighs, ducking his head and staring down at the sheets on his bed, since they’re sitting on it. Yeah, sitting on his bed with Frank fucking Iero. This whole situation is ridiculous. 

“It will always hurt,” is what Frank says back in a silent voice, as if he knows what Gerard is going through.

Gerard snorts and looks up again not even caring that he’s tearing up, all ready to start crying. “You saying this doesn’t make it any easier,” he growls, pursing his lips. Frank is the first person since Lindsey’s death that he actually can open up to, and this is what he gets? Not even a reassuring glance? Just saying that it will always hurt this fucking much as if Gerard didn’t know that already? 

Frank pulls his hands up in an offensive gesture. “I’m not here to make it easy, okay? The first thing you need to do so you can get better is that you have to accept the truth. Lindsey’s gone and it hurts like bitch. We still love her, but we can’t help it.”

“You sound like a fucking therapist,” Gerard barks back almost immediately. “Your mouth is full of shit. You could at least pretend it’ll get better.” 

“Why would I do that?” Frank asks, mindlessly chewing on the thumbnail on his right hand. He probably does that when he’s nervous and right now, he really doesn’t know what Gerard expects him to do or say. 

Gerard snorts, smirking sarcastically. “Yeah, that’s right. Why would you do that?” The tone of his voice is hurt, almost offended. A strange pain attacks his chest; it’s not the one he’s used to since Lindsey’s death. He feels personally affected by Frank’s words and it makes him ridiculously mad that Frank hadn’t even tried to be nice. But, yeah, why would he do that? He would have to feel something towards Gerard, and yeah, that is his fantasy, not what he has to face in reality.

“You probably think that every single person needs to walk on tiptoes around you, trying not to hurt you and whatnot. Well, I’m your friend and if no one else has the guts to do so, I’m going to be the first one. You need to pull your shit together. You had time to grieve, but-“

“You have no idea what you’re talking about!” Gerard immediately yells back, defending himself. 

“Yeah, that’s right, you’re the only one who lost her! She wasn’t yours, Gerard, we all loved her!” Frank’s yelling now, too. “I’m your friend and I’m just trying to open your eyes!”

Gerard is left gasping for a few seconds, not really sure how to respond to this. A small part of him is actually aware of the fact that Frank is uncomfortably right. But can’t he see that it really isn’t that easy for him? Can’t he understand? It’s not just _someone_ , it’s Lindsey they’re talking about. Basically, the best person he’s ever met in his life.

And while others said that you should think before you speak, Lindsey always said, _Be true to yourself and say whatever comes to your mind first, that’s who you really are._

He takes a deep breath and for the first time in weeks, he doesn’t think about what he’s about to say. It just comes out. “You throw that word, _friend_ , around as if it was some kind of a stupid mantra, but seriously, Frank, I don’t even want your friendship. You can stick it up your ass.” 

And as he says it in a low, calm voice that’s all raspy from previous yelling, he knows that it is not the right way, but it’s too late. This is not how you tell someone you don’t want them to be your friend, because you are, in reality, madly in love with them.

Gerard’s heart sinks in his chest. He’d fucked this up and there’s no way out. Lindsey’s words didn’t do him good for what’s probably the first time ever. He stares at Frank, who stares right back at Gerard with his mouth slightly open. Gerard doesn’t know about Frank, but he himself is breathing heavily and his mind is a mess. What is he supposed to do now? He doesn’t want Frank go away. No, actually, he desperately wants him to stay. Gerard realizes, after all that time, that what he really needs is a hug and a shoulder he could cry on, and lips he could kiss, and a body he could touch and feel its hotness. In that moment, all of his wishes transform to one thing, and that thing is actually Frank. 

“Oh,” Frank breathes out, ducking his head. Gerard can feel the tears dwelling up in the corners of his eyes, when Frank goes on. “I should probably leave, then.”

After that, everything happens really quickly, though it seems like a slow motion to Gerard.

Frank gets up from the bed – a creaking sound echoing in the silent room – and turns away from Gerard, as if he was about to cry as well. Gerard, not thinking about his actions once again, grabs Frank’s wrist and murmuring “Please, stay, please, don’t go” he pulls Frank closer until he’s back on the bed and then there are just Gerard’s lips desperately pushing against Frank’s, not willing to let go.

_He’s probably too shocked to even react_ , Gerard thinks to himself, as he pulls away from Frank, breaking the kiss. He’s still only a few inches from Frank’s face, and he’s trembling, and he doesn’t want to open his eyes. He feels Frank’s hot breath on his chin and he inhales sharply, not moving at all.

What surprises him is the fact that Frank doesn’t move either. He actually can hear Frank swallow and his shock is indescribable when he feels two warm hands clutching his hips firmly. 

“Kiss me like you want this,” Gerard whispers, tracing his lips all along Frank’s blushing cheek. “Frank, just. Kiss me like you mean this.” And it sounds more like a whine, or like a sob, like a silent cry for help. And so Frank does it; he closes the gap between them and attacks Gerard’s lips, pulling him as close as he can. What does it matter that they are both crying silently, when their tears fall into each other’s mouth like a midnight prayer?

~

Climbing on top of Frank isn’t so hard. Mainly because Frank is rather small, but also because he doesn’t resist; he just goes with it. Whatever Gerard does, Frank is perfectly fine with it.

When Gerard nips at Frank’s earlobe, Frank moans in appreciation. When Gerard wanders with his hand under Frank’s shirt, Frank throws his head back and Gerard can feel his muscles tense. When Gerard pries open the belt on Frank’s pants, Frank even helps him with it. When Gerard places the first shy, soft kiss on Frank’s hot thigh, Frank opens his legs wide for him and goes for Gerard’s shoulder, grabs him and pulls him up for an open-mouthed kiss. 

But when Gerard breaks the kiss and goes back to Frank’s thighs, following the skin up to Frank’s hip and then pulling away, breathing over the tip of Frank’s dick, Frank breathes out and grabs Gerard’s shoulder again, but this time it’s not gentle and it’s not out of passion.

“Wait,” he croaks and squeezes Gerard’s arm. “Gerard, wait.”

Gerard is looking up at him like a puppy. This time, he’s not a lost puppy – this time, he’s like a puppy that isn’t aware of doing something wrong but still, there is his master just about to punish him for it. He almost blurts out another ‘please’, as if he needs this kind of distraction (and maybe he really does, but he secretly knows that this is mostly desperation talking from him and the actual love he feels for Frank), when Frank continues.

“Are you sure about this?” His question is so straight-forward that Gerard wouldn’t be able to avoid the actual answer even if he tried really hard, and that’s why he doesn’t say anything at all. 

What is he supposed to say? Yes, he is sure about this because he practically spent the past few months dreaming about this. Somehow, the circumstances don’t matter anymore. They’re here, in Gerard’s bed, and maybe this is how it was supposed to happen. Who cares? 

“Fuck,” Frank murmurs, shifting on the bed so he’s sitting within a few feet, suddenly very far away from Gerard. “I mean,” he says quickly seeing the panic flash through Gerard’s eyes and runs his fingers through his sweaty hair, “don’t get me wrong. I totally want this, but… Is this the right time? Maybe we should… I don’t know. Wait. We were fighting just ten minutes ago and now…”

“Waiting is bullshit,” Gerard spits out passionately, crawling on the bed to Frank. “I want you,” he says in a low voice, trying to sound seductive. And it works, obviously, because Frank moans quietly and when Gerard finally reaches him – his lips slightly open – he grabs him by his hair and pulls him in for a wet kiss.

This time, when Gerard reaches down and carefully wraps his hand about Frank’s hard cock, there’s no stopping. Frank thrusts into Gerard’s palm immediately, pulling at Gerard’s hair a bit too roughly and he opens his mouth. It’s no more a kiss, it’s only their tongues licking at each other, it’s sloppy, full of saliva, and it definitely shouldn’t be turning them both on so much, but it is. 

It’s a mess when they get rid of their clothing. They’re sitting opposite each other, Gerard staring into Frank’s green eyes and Frank staring right back. They still manage to pull their shirts over their heads, almost without breaking the eye contact, and when Gerard unzips his pants, Frank inhales sharply and follows Gerard’s hands with his hungry eyes.

Only a few seconds later, when they’re kissing again, Frank trails his hand over Gerard’s belly, going lower and stroking his erection with his hot, wet fingers. Gerard moans into Frank’s mouth, falling down on him, and leaves Frank’s member untouched, wandering his hand up Frank’s hip to his collarbone. 

He rests it there and gives a small smile, pulling away from Frank’s hungry lips. “I want you to fuck me,” he says in the same low voice and Frank shivers as Gerard thrusts slowly against his hips. “I want you to fuck me so good I wouldn’t want to let you go. _Ever,”_ he continues and gripping Frank’s arms, he twists them so Frank is now on top of him; right between Gerard’s spread legs. 

“Fuck, Gerard,” Frank moans and Gerard is scared for a second that he’s going to say ‘no’ again, but Frank just bites his lower lip and caresses Gerard’s sides slowly. “You’ve got any lube? And condoms?”

Gerard whines impatiently and throws his head back in annoyance. “No. But I’ve got my mouth and I trust you. Come on, Frank, I’ve already seen you can get it up, so what’s the problem?”

And it’s maybe not so obvious to Frank, but Gerard already knows he’s humiliating himself in front of someone he loves, and he’s so hopeless that he doesn’t even care anymore. He wants Frank’s hands, his hips, his moans and his lips and he doesn’t care about the price. He won’t ever talk to Frank again? Okay. He has _now_ and that’s enough. He wraps his legs around Frank’s tiny waist and pushes him closer, his breath catching in his throat when their erections brush against each other for one brief moment. 

“Okay, okay,” Frank murmurs, giggling. He gives in and doesn’t say a word, just trails his hand down Gerard’s hipbone and somehow gets to his ass cheek. He exhales deeply when he feels Frank’s hand there and swallows when it disappears again. It comes back within five second but this time, it’s wet with Frank’s saliva.

It’s not Gerard’s first time, no. It’s still a bit uncomfortable, though; but he gets used to Frank’s fingers inside him very quickly. So quickly that two fingers aren’t a problem at all, and when Frank adds the third finger, Gerard just moans, fists the bed sheets and spreads his legs even more. His erection is painful when Frank does scissors with his fingers, and thrusts against his hand. “Frankie,” he groans and repeats the motion. 

“Can I…? Fuck, Gerard,” Frank breathes out, leaning over Gerard and bonding their lips together again. Gerard nods frantically and holding Frank’s hips, he scratches him there, leaving a red mark. 

Frank pushes his cock into Gerard really slowly and carefully (and Gerard’s impatience and constant thrusting forward don’t make it easier either). When he’s all the way in, he lets out a relieved sigh and holding himself up on his elbows, he closes the gap between them and moving for the first time, he kisses Gerard almost lovingly. 

Gerard, only capable of realizing how good this feels, doesn’t really reciprocate in this sweet, caring way. He moans into Frank’s mouth, tying his fingers in Frank’s hair and tugging on it. 

Frank thrusts into Gerard, surprised that Gerard meets him halfway. He moves his mouth from Gerard’s lip to his collarbone, sucking on the skin and licking at it. It burns Gerard and it hurts him, but that feeling only lasts for a few seconds and is soon replaced by pleasure; especially when Frank touches Gerard’s prostate with the tip of his dick. Everything feels right at that moment and Gerard even loses his doubts. 

For a moment, it’s perfect. Frank will still be there when he wakes up and they will make love again. They will stay together. In that moment, with Frank’s sweat falling down on Gerard’s hurt, pale skin, he sees it. He sees them together, and he repeats Frank’s name over and over again and Frank does the same. They’re one piece, maybe even one soul, and the knowing that it won’t last forever is suddenly forgotten. 

When Frank comes, buried deep in Gerard’s ass, squeezing and marking Gerard’s skin with his hands - and Gerard follows right after him, the room is filled with their shallow breathing. Frank rolls down from Gerard, lying beside him, and Gerard falls asleep almost immediately, almost as if he was trying to escape the reality again. He dozes off before he can feel Frank’s arm wrapping around his waist and before he can feel Frank’s trembling lips pecking him on his cheek, as if they were lovers.

~

When Gerard wakes up, he finds himself trapped between his bed and Frank’s body. Frank’s still asleep; one leg lazily hung over Gerard’s calf, his hand still wrapped around Gerard’s middle as if he wasn’t willing to let Gerard go.

That’s when it hits him – _he had sex with Frank Iero_. Nausea rolls over him like a tsunami wave and he risks waking Frank up when he gets up quickly, rushing to the bathroom. He manages to get to the toilet just in time, because within the next second, he’s throwing up.

After it’s over, he sits on the floor and cleaning his mouth with a towel, he buries his head in his hands. What has he done? Oh God, what has he done? Where will this lead to? Yes, he’d wanted this for a ridiculously long time, but this was just wrong. He should have listened to Frank, they should have waited. Is it too late to go back to his bedroom and apologize for his behavior? Was there even an apology for something like this?

He can hear Lindsey again, at first she’s saying _‘He likes you_ ’ again, but then she’s whispering right to his ear, _‘You’re definitely not a fuck up, my dear, but you screwed this up.’_ He remembers she said it as a critique on one of his paintings, but no matter what situation, it fits perfectly now. He screwed it up. If there is a chance that Frank ever liked him, he killed it. Frank probably thinks Gerard is a slut now. And, well, he is. 

After a while, he can’t help himself and he retreats back to his room. Frank’s still asleep and when an idea of how cute Frank is like this crosses Gerard’s mind, he says “fuck it” to himself and cuddles back to bed, trying not to wake Frank up but trying to be as close to him as possible. It’s weird, at first, considering all his previous thoughts of how much he’d humiliated himself and that there’s no chance that Frank would want him after this. But, in the end, he’s just a man and he can’t resist but hold Frank close, maybe because it might be his only chance.

He even manages to fall back asleep, even though he doesn’t know how that is possible with his heart beating so fast and being so fucking nervous. Frank’s soft lips wake him up, pressing against the skin on his chin. He lazily opens his eyes and for another moment, he believes this is true. He even gives a small, sleepy smile and Frank grins back, kissing Gerard’s lips this time.

Gerard, however, pulls back and stares at Frank for a second; Frank’s hair is a mess, he has sleep written all over his face, and yet, he is the cutest thing Gerard has ever seen and he doesn’t want this picture to ever vanish from his memories. He’s so scared of losing it, though… So scared of losing Frank after just one night. _What if?_ What if there is a chance Frank will stay?

“Listen,” Gerard tries to speak, but his voice gets stuck in his throat and when he reaches out and rests his hand on Frank’s shoulder, doing it oh-so carefully and shyly, tears are already dwelling up in his eyes.

“Hey, Gee, what’s wrong?” Frank coos, caressing Gerard’s cheek slowly with his warm hand.

Gerard looks away from Frank’s face, feeling like he might actually never say it with those eyes glued on him, and continues in a silent, unsure voice. “I’m not che-cheap,” he stutters, his voice breaking in the middle. He finds his confidence, which is probably one of the hardest thing he has ever had to do, and says it again, this time more loudly. “I’m not cheap. I don’t usually do this. I actually… I never do this. I don’t want you to think-“

“Stop right there,” Frank cuts him off, hushing him by pressing a finger against Gerard’s lips. And Gerard can’t help but feel happy to get this sort of touch, and he’s trying not to open his mouth and lick at Frank’s forefinger just because it’s _right there._ “You don’t have to explain yourself. _I know.”_

“No, you don’t,” Gerard mumbles, immediately regretting it. He bites his lip, looking at Frank cautiously.

“Really, Gerard?” Frank laughs nervously and shakes his head, then leans closer and brushes his nose against Gerard’s chin. “You don’t have to hide from me. I know exactly what you wanted to say, but you don’t have to. It’s okay… as long as you won’t kick me out of your bed and send me to hell,” Frank finishes with a smirk on his face, but the trembling of the corner of his mouth gives him away; he’s nervous that Gerard could actually do that.

But no, he would never. Not now, with Frank’s hot body pressed against his when it’s clear that neither of them wants to leave. Frank doesn’t want to leave this behind him. It is a miracle, something unexpected and incredible, but after all those tears he’d shed for Lindsey and for those hopes long lost, he deserves this small piece of happiness and he doesn’t want to doubt Frank anymore. He’s not going to do it ever again, as long as he’s sane. 

“I would never-“

But Frank cuts him off again, pecking him quickly on the lips. “Hush, don’t say those words now. We’ve already done a lot of things we should have done later; let’s save this for something special.”

Gerard mouth falls closed, but stays like that only for a few seconds before Frank’s tongue makes its way through and attacks Gerard’s lips. With Frank’s hands travelling all over his body and his heart speeding up in the best way possible, he forgets about the world and about Lindsey. It’s just the two of them and they’re in love, that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be.

~

Frank can tell there’s something off about Gerard today. He’s twitchy, really moody, he keeps biting his nails and it’s not the Gerard he’s gotten to know in the past few weeks. Frank’s still kind of shy around him, but it’s definitely the good kind of that feeling, but right now, it keeps him from asking what’s wrong.

They’re watching a BBC documentary about Salvador Dalí, only because Gerard really wanted to see it, but it’s obvious he’s lost in his mind and it’s not like Frank is really interested in this stuff. His eyes keep wandering towards Gerard’s painfully sad face, and he’s fucking nervous.

Just as he finally gathers up the courage and opens his mouth to say something, Gerard outruns him. 

“Lyn once wrote an essay about the relationship between Lorca and Dali. It was fucking amazing. You know, Garcia Lorca, the writer. She wrote almost fifty pages about them and how Lorca loved Dali, but Dalí was too scared to accept his own feelings. She made me read it and I think she did it because she knew that deep down, I was always really scared to accept myself. And later on, I was afraid to talk to you about everything, you know, and it’s really sad that I managed to fight my fears only after she’s gone.”

Frank just sits there, speechless and amazed, because no matter what Gerard’s words said, he was never more beautiful. He looks so serious and everything he said has a meaning to it; and it’s so different from the whiny Gerard; the creative Gerard; the happy Gerard. And for some reason, even though Frank doesn’t know what to say back to that, he knows that this is _the real_ Gerard. 

When Frank simply keeps staring, Gerard looks away and picks at the hole in his jeans. “It’s two months this weekend. Since she…” He sighs shakily and turns his head away from Frank, using his dark hair as a curtain. 

Frank’s heart stops in his chest and starts to beat incredibly fast just a second later. There is a mess in his head, but this mess is just a combination of the word “fuck” running through his mind and slowly crucifying him. 

“Gee,” he says slowly, considering what he should say next. He places his hand on Gerard’s knee and squeezes it, making Gerard look at him again. “I’m really… Hey, I have an idea!” he says with a growing smile on his face, ignoring Gerard’s only slight interest. “Let’s go somewhere for the weekend.”

Gerard frowns, shifts on the couch so they’re opposite each other and takes Frank’s hand in his. “I don’t know about that, Frank…” he says, unsure, and blinks a few times so the tears will disappear completely. 

The past few weeks have been pretty odd. They are in a relationship, yeah, you could say that, because Frank don’t even leave Gerard’s apartment anymore, not really, but what they have is really different. Gerard can tell that Frank has always liked Gerard – just as Lyn assumed – and that he is maybe slowly falling in love with him, but he is endlessly confused about his own feelings. He clings to Frank, relies on him, but is that love? He’s ridiculously attracted to Frank, to his lips and to his touch and to the words he whispers when they’re in bed at night, calm and just together, but _is that love?_ Isn’t he supposed to be sure about such a thing? 

But when Frank leans closer and brushes his lips against Gerard’s earlobe just before he whispers something right into his ear, Gerard’s doubts are gone. Mostly because he just can’t think with Frank being this close to him.

“I was thinking, maybe my parents’ lake house? We could be all alone there,” Frank murmurs bowing his head to kiss the skin just below Gerard’s ear, “And we could do so many things there… They have a huge bedroom. With a huge bed. You would look so good in that bed, Gee.”

“You really know the power of words. And you definitely know where to touch me,” Gerard says and swallows as he feels Frank’s hand pushing into his pants and succeeding, embracing Gerard’s half-hard erection with his fingers.

~

When Gerard admits to himself that he finds peace and oblivion and he can forget about everything when he’s with Frank, _in bed_ with Frank, it’s a lot easier to… forget his true self completely and become somebody else. He creates a new Gerard, a more childish one, but on the other hand, also a lot dirtier one.

On the way to the lake house, Gerard manages to not think about Lindsey and the reason they decided to leave the city and he just can’t keep his hands to himself. At first, it’s just Gerard’s hand on Frank’s thigh, but when it’s two hours in and they’re not even close to their destination, Gerard is so fucking bored that he just grins to himself and pushes his hand upwards, reaching Frank’s crotch.

“Gerard,” Frank hisses quietly, tearing his eyes away from the road for two seconds, giving his lover a questioning look. “What are you doing?”

“You know,” Gerard answers lazily, his hand making its way slowly to the growing bulge in Frank’s pants. “I always wondered if you could actually blow someone while they’re driving. You always see it in the movies, but can you actually… do it?”

“Please, tell me you’re not going to try it now,” Frank says quietly in a hopeful voice.

Gerard just grins again and massages Frank’s inner thigh for a while, until a moan escapes Frank’s mouth. That’s where he stops immediately. “Nah. It won’t be that easy.” And as he keeps teasing Frank with words and sudden, second-lasting touches, he knows they’ll go straight to bed.

What Gerard didn’t think of was the option that maybe Frank would be just too horny by the end of their trip. When they enter the house and the door falls shut behind them, Frank pushes Gerard against it immediately and attacks his lips hungrily and with rage. It’s not enough, though. He bites Gerard’s lower lip, willingly licking the blood away because his sharp teeth were _too_ sharp this time. 

“You want me down on my knees, don’t you,” Gerard whines throwing his head back as Frank licks down Gerard’s neck and sucks at the skin there. “You want me right here, don’t you. Don’t you want to fuck my pretty mouth, Frankie?”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I want,” Frank replies impatiently and with one hand tied in Gerard’s dark locks, he places the other on Gerard’s shoulder and pushes him down. And Gerard obeys without saying another word, because he’s played his part and now it’s up to Frank. Gerard watches Frank open his belt in a rush, pulling his pants and underwear down to his knees, and he moans quietly in agreement when Frank pulls at his hair again and draws him in to have him closer. 

Gerard doesn’t hesitate; he takes Frank in as far as he could, hollowing his cheeks and working with his tongue. Soon enough, Frank loses control just as Gerard wanted him to, and as he keeps his mouth and throat open, Frank thrusts forward. 

Gagging is awful but it’s gone within seconds. Tears are dwelling up in Gerard’s eyes, but this time, it’s not desperation because he is comfortably numb. He moans every now and then to make it better for Frank, and hearing the same noises back makes him a bit happier. Gerard holds his hands behind his back and maybe, if Frank noticed this, he would see that it’s a submission act and that there must be something wrong with it. But Frank is overwhelmed with his own feelings; how warm Gerard’s mouth feels; how beautiful Gerard is just simply taking it. 

“Fuck, you were made for this. Fuck, Gerard, fuck… Gonna come, fuck, I’m gonna-“ He cuts himself off when Gerard sucks hollowing his cheeks again, feeling the tip of Frank’s dick touching his throat. It’s so easy to make someone come. So, so fucking easy. Gerard takes it all, he swallows and as he pulls off, he puts his hand on the base of Frank’s dick and licks the tip slowly. 

As he gets up, with his tongue still peeking out (his lips are swollen and he runs his tongue over them, once or twice, making Frank gasp for air), he smirks. “Your turn now,” he announces and taking Frank’s hand in his, he lets Frank lead them to the bedroom. If someone saw them, they would say they were going to only destroy each other. And they would be right.

_~_

Being in a relationship like that will eventually lead to a disaster. And Frank realizes it after their hundredth fight, which is only a few weeks after their trip to the lake house.

It’s not that he doesn’t love Gerard; because he really does and the feeling is surprisingly strong and unexpectedly definitive. And even though he doubts it sometimes, Frank can tell that Gerard feels the same. The problem is the way the relationship started. 

Frank tried to forget about it, but the more they fight, the more sure he is that they shouldn’t have made love that day. They barely knew each other and it was all too rushed… and as much as he doesn’t want to, he regrets it in a lot of ways. It was wrong on too many levels. 

Gerard, to be honest, feels just the same. The desperation he was trying to kill by dating Frank and making love as much as possible is back and it’s stronger than before. And as this desperation returns, he closes himself up more and more and kicks Frank in the face with all the rage he feels. And they both know that one day, it’ll be too much and they will split; and this fear makes it all even worse. They are pretty much constantly fighting. They wake up and if it’s a good day, maybe they’ll make love, but after that, the day will be a living hell. They’ll spend it fighting. And if it’s a bad day, they will go straight to the fighting. And it’s exhausting. 

The final fight happens for no reason; at least it seems really stupid.

As they come back from _fucking shopping_ , Gerard has a freak out session. A freak out session that is so bad that it can only end up in tears.

“So you’re saying I was having eye-sex with a guy in the parking lot while you were stuffing the bags into the car. Do I get it right?” Frank asks in disbelief, placing a pocket of flour on the table louder than is necessary. 

“What I’m saying is,” Gerard says through his clenched teeth, “that you’re fucking using me for sex. That’s what I’m saying.”

“What the hell are you talking about? I hardly leave this fucking apartment, do you think it’s because I don’t want you or what?” Frank’s heart is beating fast as he’s trying to be patient with Gerard and not storm out right away. 

“No, you do want me so you have someone to suck you off when you feel like it! That’s it, you made me your whore and now you can’t wait to get rid of me, don’t even say it’s not like that! Because I know it fucking is! You’d have sold your soul just to have that guy’s dick up your ass!”

“What the _fuck,_ Gerard?!” Frank then growls angrily deep down in his throat and tugs at his hair roughly with both hands. “I’m just gonna say this, because I’ve had enough. _You_ are the one asking for it! You’re down on your knees before I can even kiss you. _You_ made a whore of yourself. _You_ , Gerard, it wasn’t me. So don’t fucking blame me when I’m tired of fucking your soul out of your body. I just can’t take it anymore! _You_ are using _me.”_

Gerard gasps, looking endlessly shocked. And then, within one second, he grabs one of the shopping bags, obviously searching for something, and he drags out a can of beans and throws it through the whole room at Frank. He misses only by inches; it hits the wall behind Frank with a terrifying noise. 

“Get out of my apartment,” Gerard croaks, aiming his finger at the door. “Get out of here and God forbid you to ever come back, you piece of shit.”

Frank’s taken aback, slowly backing off step by step, scared of the anger that’s showing on Gerard’s usually caring face. “You… You can’t be serious. Gerard, come on. Just admit to yourself that…”

“No one will call me a fucking whore. Now get out of here or I’ll do it myself. Don’t ever come back. I don’t even want to see your fucking face anymore.” Oh, the face he once awarded with adjectives like _beautiful, pretty, unforgettable._

Frank is strangely relaxed after the last sentence. He should be freaking out, or be just as angry and mad as Gerard is, but he just can’t. The tension that has been growing in him now fades away, leaving him empty and numb. He considers saying sorry, but in the end, it wouldn’t change a thing. He knew this would happen. He ducks his head and disappears from the apartment like a ghost; as if he’s never been there. Only his scent lingers there, invading Gerard’s trembling body.

Gerard locks himself in his apartment after this argument. Something tells him that Frank won’t be back, just as he wanted him to (except not really), but it seems that a part of him has grown up, because he doesn’t fall for fear, tears and desperate acts this time. 

He sits in front of a canvas, with the tips of his fingers already dirty from charcoal, and stares. He stares for minutes, maybe for hours, but then he gives in, puts the charcoal to the paper and he lets his mind lead his hand. He’s strangely lost in his thoughts, not focusing on the canvas for one second, and he’s surprised to see the outcome.

He’s been thinking about Frank the whole time, yet it’s Lindsey’s face staring back at him from the canvas. He captured her perfectly; Gerard is even sure she would love it if she was still there with him. Gerard clenches his teeth and tears his gaze away from the face he’ll never see again, and sighs. Lindsey’s caused all of this, and he knows it. She would slap him for what he did, though. For what he’d put Frank through. 

On the other hand, if there’s anyone to blame, it’s him. With this, he sprawls on his bed and falls asleep almost immediately, finally alone there after weeks.

~

Gerard doesn’t care about anything or anyone for the next few days. Mikey calls him a few times, sounding concerned and maybe even worried, and even though this time Gerard manages to control his feelings and doesn’t yell at him again, he just tells him to leave him alone for a little while.

He’s doing what he was supposed to do months ago. He’s dealing with his loss and even though it surprises him one evening, Frank doesn’t really come to his mind. He lets go of that, forgetting about their relationship, because that would only hurt him more.

After two weeks, he finds himself sitting on his couch, smoking a cigarette, and that’s the first time he thinks of Frank. His old feelings are back, as if what’s happened between them vanished just like that. The butterflies in his stomach are fresh and he’s nervous when he thinks about him, almost shy, with a small smile forming on his lips. And he realizes that he truly, deeply misses Frank. He doesn’t miss him in the sense that he misses some human contact or making love. He misses the way Frank hugs; how Frank’s hands felt when holding him close; how his voice sounded like when they talked about nothing. He really misses it and he wants it back – and this time, he feels like he can do it. He feels like he can talk to Frank and make things right.

He only has to gather up enough courage and prepare himself to say sorry to someone who really deserves it. And he’s so lost in his thoughts that only the hot, burning ash falling down from the tip of his cigarette down to his naked skin of his thigh wakes him up.

~

It’s a Saturday morning when Gerard finally – feeling like he might puke any second from all the nervousness and fear – leaves his apartment with a goal that says – Talk to Frank and make him come back.

Sadly, Frank doesn’t live so far away and Gerard gets there in less than twenty minutes. He hesitates for a second, but an old lady lets him in the building, and it’s awfully easy to rush up the stairs. He stares at Frank’s door with his heart pounding in his chest, and then he knocks twice. He does it so silently and carefully that he lets himself get drawn in to the idea of Frank not hearing it, but then the door opens and there’s Frank. 

Gerard can tell that this is Frank’s sleepy face – it’s probably only a few minutes since he’s got up. The moment he sees Gerard standing in his doorway, his head spins a bit and his whole world turns upside down. Because, really, this is so close to his dreams and so far away from reality… 

Gerard speaks before Frank manages to stutter something. “I want to apologize,” he says quickly, scared that he might chicken out or change his mind. 

“What for?” Frank asks lazily, blinking a few times. Gerard can tell what Frank means; he has so many things to apologize for that he wouldn’t have known where to start if he hadn’t prepared the words he wants to say. 

He fixes his eyes on Frank’s face, to have an eye contact and to be sure that Frank will listen. And also because Frank’s face is really fucking pretty, no matter what he said the last time they talked. “I was a shitty person the whole time we’ve been together,” he says, quite pride that he was able to sum it all up in only one sentence. 

Frank reaches out at that, suddenly forgiving Gerard for everything, even though he was mad at him only minutes ago. “No, Gee-“

“It’s true,” Gerard insists. “You were right. I brought it all on myself, it was my fault. I used you. I used my own feelings I had – and still have – for you to forget about what happened with Lindsey. And it wasn’t right. I’m so, so sorry for that, Frank.”

Frank’s big puppy eyes stare at Gerard, soaking in every detail of the older man’s face. And this is the Gerard he’d seen once. This is the Gerard he liked; this is the Gerard he was amazed by. “It’s not like I didn’t want you to do it, you know,” he murmurs, ashamed. “It’s my fault, too. I guess we just fucked up.” Frank shrugs, smirking ironically.

But no, this is not the end – this is not what Gerard came for. Yes, he wanted to apologize, but most of all, he just really wanted to be with Frank again. Not in the dirty way anymore – he wanted love but he also wanted friendship. What he felt for Frank wasn’t gone at all. He was attracted to him, yes; but it was also a psychical attraction. 

Gerard manages to catch Frank’s hand in his, and squeezing it nervously, he swallows. “I want to ask you out on a proper date. I wanna do this right. Because… Because I like you,” he says, avoiding the word ‘love’ on purpose - he still remembers Frank saying that that’s the word for a special situation, and this is not it. Not yet, at least. Their love is still just a little baby.

Frank’s eyes glow with happiness, or that’s what Gerard thinks it is – what he wishes it is. He beams at Gerard, nodding without much hesitation. “I’d love that, Gee,” he says quietly and pulls Gerard closer, tugging at his hand. “I’d love that so much.”

Gerard smiles and leans closer, pecking Frank on the lips as if they already were on their first date. “A coffee kiss,” he says when they pull apart and licks his lower lip to catch as much of the taste as he can.

“Yeah. Come on, I’ll make you some,” Frank says and drags Gerard into the apartment, closing the door behind them. With that – with the sudden relief dancing in Gerard’s chest happily and with Frank’s short, but cheerful giggle, everything just… falls into place.


End file.
